Dissertation on Boots. Skip if you're a heterosexual male without a shoe fetish.

I need to talk to you about my relationship with boots. I don't know what's going on with us. (We'd be an 'it's complicated' on facebook). Everyone thinks we're so right for each other, but I'm still not convinced. Sometimes, I look at boots, and I just think, what is wrong with you? Sure, you might call no heel sensible but I call it boring. This might sound harsh, but there's just no sex appeal. I miss high heels. I know, I know - they treated me badly, my feet are still recovering, but hell, we had some wild times together! Don't get me started on flats. Total downgrade - my calves have never looked so chunky as when we were hooking up.

So. (Dropping the metaphor - think I sucked that one dry.) Ella loves boots. This is a passion that extends even to Uggs. (I know.) I just feel so meh towards them. Look, heels and me go back a long way. (Fun fact: me and my sisters called them cockles when we were little! because of the sound! I don't think I really thought about them as high heels until I was about...12 maybe?) Since the age of 16 I've worn high heels whenever possible. To school, despite a twenty minute walk. Shopping. To uni, despite a thirty minute walk. Out, obviously. To the pub, the park, etc etc. I actually find most heels really comfy, which is probably because all of mine are slightly too big lengthwise because I'm around a 5 and a half in length but definitely a 6 in width. (There is always that slight risk of them slipping off at any given time though.)

Heels are so pretty. And they make me feel good. I love the way you walk in heels, there's something so Joan Holloway about it. (watch Mad Men!) But. I have -reluctantly - been brought to see that heels may not always be the absolute most practical footwear choice. Perhaps. It is more effort to walk up hills in them. And when the ground is icy they can slip. And you do have to reheel them often if you wear them everywhere every day. And I'm skint. So I tried flats. I really did try. I like sneakers, but ballet shoes are just so - blah. Just - blah and bleugh and boring. Boots are better because some of them come with heels. But then see aforementioned heel issues.

Flat boots come with their own set of problems though. I will not wear ankle boots after an incident involving them, me, a mirror and a mini-skirt seven years ago. The pain has still not gone away. Moon boots are clumpy. They make me think of foresters. Other boots are too shiny, too brown, too stripperish, too hipsterish or just plain wrong. But boots do look good with skirts. Or jeans tucked in. It is undeniable a skirt, tights and boots looks like more of an outfit than a skirt, tights and flats.

I used to own a pair of ugly flat boots from Primark. I wore them till they literally fell apart. Then I missed owning boots. So I started the search for a new pair which preferably would not make me vomit in my mouth. I bought these ones:

I didn't entirely hate them and they were reduced. Then they came and I kinda did hate them after all. But! This long boring story is coming to a happy ending! I wore them out. And wow. These boots and me...we're in love. They're so easy to walk in! So functional! Yet the little heel lets you strut to your heart's content! And, oh my good god, the way these boots feel inside...They're lined with some kind of soft plushy cushiony goodness and they're a teensy bit too big so my legs are constantly being caressed by the sides, and it's just...wow.

Do you think this is the deal with crocs? Maybe, just maybe, they feel as good as these boots do. Because, that? Is enough to justify a whole heap of ugliness as far as I'm concerned.