Full disclosure: I do not have many close male friends. To be exact, I have two. (Three if you count my boyfriend! But I'm guessing the whole sexy times part disqualifies him, yes?) Once, I had another good male friend but then I ruined it by gunning for sexy times. (Pre-boyfriend era.) (Also: eww, why do I keep saying sexy times?)
The absence of testosteronally blessed figures in my life doesn't really bother me; overall, I like being friends with girls. There's a kind of shared perspective I think I have with my female friends. Sure, we might have completely different interests, ambitions and attitudes to life, but hey, don't underestimate the bond that can come from shared terror of shitting yourself in childbirth.
So yeah, to sum up, friendships with girls? Good. Some of the things that come with them? Not so good. ***Disclaimer: What is to follow, I do not intend as some sort of sweeping generalisation about women in general. This is based entirely on my own no doubt effed-up experiences.***
Let's talk about female friendships and food. Watching my mum as I grew up, I learned to see food as something to sneak in furtive forkfuls then feel guilty about. Exercise was the means to stave off fat. Fat was the worst label you could attribute to a woman. I do not blame my mum for the way I felt about food and my body. She was, and is, merciless to herself where body image is concerned, but she never once implied that my sisters and I were anything less than beautiful.
But just about every friendship with a girl I've had has involved some sadistic element of competition where eating is concerned. I've run the whole gamut, baby; I've had friends who can't eat unless you are, friends who gloat when they lose half a pound, friends who remark as you eat popcorn that they couldn't possibly, it makes them so bloated. I've had conversations devolve to competitive self-hatred, fighting over who needs to lose more weight, who feels more disgusted when looking in the mirror. I'm so tired of the obligatory show of guilt some girls put on after eating something unhealthy. I'm tired of listening to girls hate on other girls just because they're skinnier. (Seriously, just hate them cos of their clothes like any normal person). These are not girls with eating disorders, (although maybe disordered eating) these are attractive, intelligent women who need to stop obsessing over food.
My friend Ella is the exception to this. I've lived with her for three years now and I think she single-handedly saved me from combining my body issues with my control issues and taking that whole mess to dark, dark places. We have a running joke about how the perfect meal would just be a big bowl of every type of carbs, although obv, mainly pasta and potatoes. We've never once in three years said anything really negative about our own bodies to each other. We joke about looking like death all the time, but I know she would just stare at me with contempt if I started talking about dieting. Because it is just so boring listening to somebody healthy moaning about their weight when you could be talking about Ed Westwick or boots or Hollyoaks. Or, you know, eating.
I know for most people this stuff is obvious, but when I met Ella it really was a revelation to me that anyone could be so confident and completely unfazed by any kind of worries about this stuff. And I know that if one of us really did need to lose weight we would support each other but we would also probably still joke about it and talk about living off carbs and carbs alone.
We're not going to be living together any more after June and I'm scared. It's taken me 21 years to get to a place of inner calm with my body and now I'm going to be on my own again without my Zen master around. So! This is a question for all twenty-something women in Scotland - can we be friends without our feelings towards food coming between us?
The absence of testosteronally blessed figures in my life doesn't really bother me; overall, I like being friends with girls. There's a kind of shared perspective I think I have with my female friends. Sure, we might have completely different interests, ambitions and attitudes to life, but hey, don't underestimate the bond that can come from shared terror of shitting yourself in childbirth.
So yeah, to sum up, friendships with girls? Good. Some of the things that come with them? Not so good. ***Disclaimer: What is to follow, I do not intend as some sort of sweeping generalisation about women in general. This is based entirely on my own no doubt effed-up experiences.***
Let's talk about female friendships and food. Watching my mum as I grew up, I learned to see food as something to sneak in furtive forkfuls then feel guilty about. Exercise was the means to stave off fat. Fat was the worst label you could attribute to a woman. I do not blame my mum for the way I felt about food and my body. She was, and is, merciless to herself where body image is concerned, but she never once implied that my sisters and I were anything less than beautiful.
But just about every friendship with a girl I've had has involved some sadistic element of competition where eating is concerned. I've run the whole gamut, baby; I've had friends who can't eat unless you are, friends who gloat when they lose half a pound, friends who remark as you eat popcorn that they couldn't possibly, it makes them so bloated. I've had conversations devolve to competitive self-hatred, fighting over who needs to lose more weight, who feels more disgusted when looking in the mirror. I'm so tired of the obligatory show of guilt some girls put on after eating something unhealthy. I'm tired of listening to girls hate on other girls just because they're skinnier. (Seriously, just hate them cos of their clothes like any normal person). These are not girls with eating disorders, (although maybe disordered eating) these are attractive, intelligent women who need to stop obsessing over food.
My friend Ella is the exception to this. I've lived with her for three years now and I think she single-handedly saved me from combining my body issues with my control issues and taking that whole mess to dark, dark places. We have a running joke about how the perfect meal would just be a big bowl of every type of carbs, although obv, mainly pasta and potatoes. We've never once in three years said anything really negative about our own bodies to each other. We joke about looking like death all the time, but I know she would just stare at me with contempt if I started talking about dieting. Because it is just so boring listening to somebody healthy moaning about their weight when you could be talking about Ed Westwick or boots or Hollyoaks. Or, you know, eating.
I know for most people this stuff is obvious, but when I met Ella it really was a revelation to me that anyone could be so confident and completely unfazed by any kind of worries about this stuff. And I know that if one of us really did need to lose weight we would support each other but we would also probably still joke about it and talk about living off carbs and carbs alone.
We're not going to be living together any more after June and I'm scared. It's taken me 21 years to get to a place of inner calm with my body and now I'm going to be on my own again without my Zen master around. So! This is a question for all twenty-something women in Scotland - can we be friends without our feelings towards food coming between us?
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